Uneloquently Put.

It is 11:15 PM, and I really shouldn't be blogging.
There are only 1,001 other things that I should be doing;
things to pack, bags to weigh, goodbyes to say, house to clean,
and sleep to be had.
but, I shall blog.

How am I doing?
Whenever anyone asks me that, I have to smile to myself.
How am I doing?
If we'd both have time, we could sit down and talk about how I'm feeling for at least five years.

But today?
Today was a good day.
Today, an army of beautiful friends came over and scoured our house from the basement to that one cupboard in the kitchen that's so dirty we try to avoid it, to Cherie's closet that we used sneak out of bed to have sleepovers in.
(It's odd how it takes a move over the ocean to have your house cleaned that well.)
We had a grand time, and only found one dead mouse.
We took a last trip to Wallhouse.
And then we came home and began another long and emotional trail of goodbyes.
How do you say goodbye to people you've looked up to and learned from and loved and embarrassed for seventeen years?
I don't know.
May I never be good at it. 

It's odd how saying goodbye to people, even when you think you're dried up and can't squeeze out another tear, makes your eyes brim over and you get that chokey feeling in your throat that won't let words out.
There are some things that can be better expressed through tears than through words;
 through suffocating hugs than long eloquent speeches.
Because this isn't normal.
This isn't natural, and it doesn't feel good to have your heart tear in two.
It doesn't feel right not to be able to see babies grow up, or couples get married.

but, God is so good. 
I know that that is so cliche, but it's so true.
In the midst of so much heart-aching; so many emotions falling all over themselves;
 God has given a peace that passes my understanding.
A peace that says that all things work together for good.
That God doesn't give beautiful gifts and then take them away unless He has something absolutely mind-blowingly better to give us; if we don't foolishly cling to the first.
That this is God's best for us, and so it's His best for our Church, our family, and our friends.

And He's given me excitement; impatient excitement.
I am so ready to go, so ready to finally do this after knowing about it for a year.
Even though God had a plan even through all of that horrible waiting process.
A plan for empowerment for our family.
(And boy, did He act.)
But now, I think we're ready.
Excited and ready to get on that airplane.
To get to know the wonderful people there waiting for us.
To get to know Thailand; it's land, language and people.
To claim Isaiah 37:26 spiritually over Chiang Mai against the power of darkness:

"... that thou shouldest be to lay waste defenced cities into ruinous heaps."

In Jesus name, we go to proclaim His name to the lost.
I couldn't and wouldn't be doing this without Jesus.
We tell unbelievers that we're moving to Thailand, and they don't understand,
 because none of this makes sense without Jesus.
It doesn't make sense to leave all 'this', unless you have a greater purpose than all 'this stuff'.
We're leaving people, I know.
But we have the hope of heaven, so really, we're just sacrificing a few drops of time in their lives to save souls for eternity where we'll all be together forever and ever amen.
(that's a whole lot easier to type out than live out.)

There are so many other things I wanted to say ...
so many other thoughts that are running through my head.
How we're going to miss this house.
Even down to the squeaky drawers and thin walls.
How we're going to feel on the airplane.
How we love love love you people.
How excited we are for God to change our lives through Thailand.
How scary learning Thai looks.

I wish I could type everything with perfect ease and eloquence, but it's just not really happening tonight.
but lack of words doesn't mean lack of feeling.

Pray for our family.
We are going over in Jesus's name, which we know the devil doesn't appreciate.
We don't ask for things to be easy, because we know that during hard times, we grow.
Pray for the people there that God will bring into contact with us; that we'd be full of boldness and love, and that we'd shine His light onto their lives.
Pray for family unity.
Pray for spiritual, physical, mental and spiritual protection.
Pray for us while we travel.

basically, we can't do this on our own.
Your prayers mean more than you know.

And I'm all out of words yet again.
Listen to Christ of Hope//Michelle Tumes.
Those are the words that are in my heart,
even when they don't make it to my fingers.

May He give you peace.

- ChristinaCelise.

Heart-Rending Worship.

No, I don't really know what all I'm going to write about.
Looking back over my journal,
I realize that it's been a very long time since I blogged.

God has shown me so so much since then.

None of this will be revelations for any of you, most likely,
but I just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

Worship.

Worship can come from a heart that is overflowing with love and contentment;
because life is good. 
But worship doesn't always come naturally like that.
The hardest time to worship, the time when it feels like the last thing you can do is worship,
is when your heart is broken, when the world seems to be caving in, when things happen that you don't understand.
That's when worship is the most beautiful; 
when your heart is going through the fire, and you are just clinging; 
clinging desperately to the hope of Jesus. 
That's when you have to make a choice to worship; when everything inside you hurts.
You choose to worship because you know that there is Someone out there that knows better than you;
Someone out there who understands everything that you don't. 
Someone who has a reason for everything He does even when it doesn't make any sense at all.
You worship because that's the only thing you can do.

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! 
    Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness..."

"You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

Only in His presence is there fullness of joy.
Fullness of joy, even in the midst of things we can't comprehend.
Because only when we are at our wits end; only when we are out of our own answers; only when
we are completely and utterly helpless, can we truly accept His help.
and when we seek Him with our whole heart,
 we hear His answers, and we ask Him to whisper peace.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you,
 that in me you may have peace.
 In the world you will have tribulation. 
But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Living by Example.

How can I see a need and ask God, 
LET THEM SEE YOUR LOVE. SHOW THEM YOUR POWER,
when He quietly asks me why I'm not doing the same?

How could I ask Him to shine His light on peoples' lives when 
I'm not willing to be that light?

I know that God doesn't revolve around me;
waiting on me to make decisions.
But isn't that a cop-out?

Isn't asking God to do something He's called me, and every child of His to do,
 a little ridiculous?

"Jesus, please show them your love, somehow, through someone else, 
because I am just too busy. I don't feel like it. Work wonders through someone else."

That's not living a Jesus-follower life.

Somewhere, somehow, my prayers need to be lived out.
Not just said to God right before I fall asleep, 
but lived every day to the brim.

                              "Therefore HE SAID THAT HE WOULD DESTROY THEM,
 HAD NOT MOSES HIS CHOSEN ONE STOOD BEFORE HIM IN THE BREACH,
                                to turn away His wrath, lest He destroy them."

That's living your prayers out. 
That's the kind of life that I want to live;
being willing for God to use me like that, 
to bring before His throne people that He's laid on my heart, 
to "stand before Him in the breach" for their lives, 
and to not give up until I see results. 

Who has God called you to stand in the breach for?

Gratitude list #472: OH DEATH WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY?



- Christina.

#383.

Gratitude is becoming more a part of me than ever before.

Maybe it's because we're moving, and I'm having to appreciate the 'little things' more than ever.
Maybe it's because I started a gratitude journal, and looking over the 'little things' that I wrote down
make me happy more than once.
Maybe it's because my perspective about the 'little things' is being changed by Him.
I don't know, but I don't hope it stays this good;
I hope it gets better.

I'll show you a little glimpse into my gratitude book because I think it does everyone good
to think about their own 'little things'.

#111: "From Deep Within". 
     (the Hebrew song we love so much.)


#167: Alexander's smiles.
                                   (My little cousin. Be jealous. Be very jealous.)

#190: Words of Truth that hurt.  


#199: Yellow Envelopes
                           (Because this means I got a letter from Monica. That is not something one takes lightly.)

#202: A stack of letters waiting to be answered.
           (Because that means I have people who send me some in response.)

#261: Lightening bugs mixing with the stars.

#267: "the kneeling christian"
(This book has literally changed my life. 
If you're struggling in your prayer life, 
or even if you think you just haven't reached the depth of prayer you would like to,
get this book. 
It's worth it.)
                         

#292: Eye sparkles and big smiles.
(Take me baaack ...)

#316: The last drops of day staining the trees dusk.

                                                

#321: Little sister's hand in mine. 

#324: Antique love. 

(There is nothing quite so wonderful as old couples still in love.)

                                                              

              

#332: Little girls' dirty feet.

                                                                                                                                

#355: Old photo memories.

#358: Keeping a straight face after receiving a stinging brother highfive.

#376: Jocelyn. 

(There is no one in the world quite like Jocelyn. 

Her sincere personality is inspiring.

Her bluntness is my favorite.

If anyone would try to be like her, they would utterly fail,

because no one can say the things that she says in quite the same way, 

so there are plenty of 'you had to be there' moments with her. 

She is the one who sends us all into fits of laughter on Tuesday night Wallhouse Bible Studies

which convinces people that we don't actually have Bible study, 

we just get together to tell jokes. 

We love you Jocelyn.)

                                 

#383: Generosity. 

(People continue to amaze me by their giving-ness, whether it's something small or something huge.. 

Generosity is actually still alive people, don't give up hope. )

So, I guess to sum things up, 

I've learned that there are no 'little things'.

Little things, added up, become the big things that change our lives, 

whether it's for the worse or for the better.

                                         
-Me.

Summer's Last Hurrah.

The final days of summer are winding down . . .

And what a summer it was.
I've never been a giant fan of Summer; it's too hot.
I'm ready to leave it behind and head into Autumn.
Even though I leave this Summer with a wistful look over my shoulder . . .
This was my last Summer in America, Ohio, Beach City for a long, long time.
And boy, was it a dandy.  Maybe the biggest summer of my whole young life.
I think I'm ready though, ready for Autumn and everything else that'll come along.

                                               "Life has loveliness to sell , 
                                        All beautiful and splendid things,
                                       Blue waves whitened on a cliff, 
                                        Soaring fire that sways and sings, 
                                        And children's faces looking up
                                       Holding wonder like a cup.

                                       Life has loveliness to sell,
                                      Music like a curve of gold,
                                      Scent of pine trees in the rain, 
                                     Eyes that love you, arms that hold, 
                                     Holy thoughts that star the night . . . "

Don't Let Me Forget.

I know I was only there for a few days;
which seems like it leaves me hardly qualified to care so much for those children.
But I do.

Park Town North:
My VBS side of town.

I didn't know what to expect,
 all I knew was that we were going to be doing Bible School for Hispanic children.

I wasn't picturing it like this; apartment building set up every which way, and a big 'park' in the middle with a big tree in the center.

Walking down to the tree, waving to people and saying 'Hola!', and I saw children were already there, waiting for us.

We walked door to door then, inviting more kids to come, and that was when I met my first kid, Ashley.

She wasn't quite like the other children; starved for attention and hardened,

                                     hardened already at the age of six or seven.

                         She had a gentle spirit; swatting flies away from my face, 

                            or singing Jingle Bells in 

                          Spanish and just getting joy out of LIFE.

                        She traced me on the sidewalk and somehow got the idea 

                                across to me that she wanted 

                         to draw a princess dress and crown and shoes on me.

                        She doesn't deserve that life any more than I deserve this one.

                         She has a little sister named Yemi.

                 

                   She's mischevious and adorable.

                         

There's Emily . . . 

bubbly and friendly,

but scared of keeping face paint on for fear of her mom 

hitting her when she got home.

                                   

There's Andy,

a Mowgli from the Jungle Book if there ever was one.

He's always running around in the background somewhere,

pouring water on people or scaring them.

But he has such a gentle heart, 

and he's so precious.

There's Maria, who couldn't get over how short I was.

Maria: You're short, aren't you? You're the shortest one.

Me: Yes, I am.

Maria: (thinks a little) Do you eat vegetables?

. . . . . . . 

So many little children starving for someone just to love them.

Even when I didn't know their language 

(Me: [drawing a house, then saying proudly:] La Playa!

Blank stares from little kids trying to understand me.

I later find out that La Playa means the beach.)

I hope that they somehow understood how precious they were to me and God.

It's so hard to leave them, knowing the places they live and the things they're exposed to.

It's hard not to feel like loving on them was a waste of time, 

and that it didn't really accomplish anything.

But I know that God is Good all the time,

and He loves them even more than I do.

I don't want to forget about them.

 I'll keep praying for them; 

pleading for their souls

and committing them to Him.

Because He can use the smallest,

 seemingly worthless acts of kindness 

to change their lives.

All He wants me to do is love them like Jesus.

Would you help me pray for them?

                         Pray for little Ashley, Jesus, Yemi, Doce, Natali, Emily,
                                                Sidie, Roberto, Andy, Kevin . . .

                                            and there are so many more.

              
                                     

When asked what was one thing he had to be patient and wait for, 

little Kevin said quietly:

"Waiting for you guys to knock on my door every day."

VBS is all those kids have to live for.

Help me pray?

                        - Me.